Not much progress

Another month has passed and I haven't lost or gained anything. Although I have made a few gains with my lifting. Hit 1 or 2 PR's which is good. I don't think it's because I'm gaining more muscle. I think it's due to getting better at the technique.

I ate WAY too much on Thanksgiving. I felt so sick the next day. I didn't even drink that much, but I felt so sick. It didn't help that I was on my period. Bloating and cramping on top of eating like shit. Not a good combination. I ate clean yesterday and have done the same today (so far). My days always start this way. I have a great breakfast and usually good snacks and a good lunch. Its the afternoon and evening where I fall apart. I think one cookie is ok, or a fancy coffee will be fine. But that's where I need to cut back. Which brings me to my next thing I want to re-evaluate.

Coffee.....

I love the taste of it and it provides and nice break in the day. However, I've noticed it doesn't make me feel great. In fact, it gives me a headache! Maybe I could switch to decaf? I like the routine of it in the morning with Clark though..... I know it's more of a mental thing with me. I don't like the headaches. So which is greater? The routine with Clark and suffering a headache? Or cutting it out and feeling better? Maybe I'll try the next week without coffee. See how I feel. I used to only drink coffee occasionally. Now it's become a habit, but my body and head don't like it.

This is all a mental game now. I know I can eat healthy, but I don't have the self control to stop eating the unhealthy stuff. I need to break some of these habits before I end up looking like my mom. That's the ultimate worst thing in my mind!!! And I HATE this tummy I've developed. My pants aren't fitting. I feel gross when I bend over. It's gotta go!!

Nutrition

Nutrition.

I like that word much better than "diet." Diet means a temporary change. Improving your overall nutrition I feel has more long term value and overall change and improvement. I keep going back and forth with my nutrition. I "cheat" at my nutrition. The problem is I cheat everyday. I feel like I 'deserve' that donut or that sugary coffee drink. It's hard to eat clean! It's even harder because I used to be able to eat whatever the hell I wanted, and now I can't. My body is changing as I get older. It sucks!! It's breaking 30 years of eating habits. But, I have no desire to look like my mom. Bleh! She has this huge belly and is way out of shape. I don't think I'll ever get to her point in life.

Now, the good side of keeping this journal is it has changed my perspective on food. I've been paying attention to not only what I eat, but how it makes me FEEL. Especially on the days that I work out! And I'll tell you what. When I put good nutrition into my body, it feels so great! I have more energy at CrossFit, I feel stronger. It's an incredible change! And I've tried to grasp that understanding. I've also noticed, that most candy tastes gross. It might be good at the time, but the after taste for the next hour is disgusting. It helps me not eat it next time. It's slow and small changes like that, but it's getting there.

So it's been a month since I started this. I've only lost 2 pounds at this point. Ugh! But I've also decided that November will be "No Spend November" as well as eating what I need to be healthy and happy. This will be challenging since Thanksgiving is this month. I am also traveling a bit for work stuff, so that will be difficult to stay healthy with my nutrition. But I plan to put good healthy things into my body. It's a mental thing at this point. I'm slowly breaking the habit. Clark is a good example of eating well and healthy. I'm sure glad he's here. As for spending money....well I have no money except for the essentials. So that will be easy. Only spending money on food, gas, insurance, and the necessities.

Beginning again!

Beginning photos....

Here are my beginning pics:

Not bad, but not where I like to be. But I had to start somewhere...








This past week was pretty good actually. I ate clean most of the days. I did have a donut, 2 Starbucks coffees, 2 pumpkin beers, and kind of a lot of zucchini bread. But I did eat healthy breakfasts, light lunches, greek yogurt snacks. I've been trying to eat more balanced and every 2-3 hours.

My goal this week is to eat even better. I know it won't be perfect and I think that's where I struggle. I find I mess up, then I basically say Fuck it and let it all go like crap. But I'm going to fight that mentality. That's my goal this week. To be ok with imperfection. Wishing myself luck!

Starting Over

Today is the beginning of another new journey. I started CrossFit on May 8, 2012. It changed my life. It gave me more courage and confidence than anything else in my life. I picked up my life and moved to California in March 2013.

Growing up, I was always crazy skinny. I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and I never gained a pound. The first time I realized I gained some extra pounds was after my sophomore year in high school. I realized my pants were tight after uncomfortably sitting through a play one night. I had to go buy some new pants. Every 5 years after that, I realized my metabolism slowed down and I gained a few more pounds. In high school I weighed 116.

15 years later, I weigh 150. I don't want to get back to my high school weight. I was a child back then. I'm a woman now. And honestly, I looked anorexic back then. However, I'm not particularly happy with where I'm at now either. The ultimate goal would be in the 130's. But I also want to get away from the "number on the scale." That's been my struggle. I keep eating whatever the hell I want. So at this point, I realize that I have emotional connections with food. I go back and forth. I go through phases where I eat healthy and I get to a weight that I'm happy with. But then sadness happens, and I eat. And I gain back some weight.

So I decided to sign up for a CrossFit competition. I need something to get me focused on my nutrition. I have the exercise part down. Although I plan to kick that up a little bit more. I decided to start a new blog for several reasons. I need a place to be honest about the joys and success as well as the crappiness and pain that will come with truly changing my eating behaviors and patterns. I want to journal what I eat, how I sleep, my emotions and how I feel throughout the day. I want to find these patterns, and do what I can to overcome them. I want to start putting good, healthy things in my body instead of sugar and ugliness.

Today is the beginning of a new journey. Wish me luck!